“We have so many allies in this world, including just the color blue in the sky.”
– David Whyte
When Aloneness Sucks
There are moments when you’re going after a wild idea when it feels as if you are slogging it alone.
After all, most of the time, when we’re gripped by the energy – the daimon, as the ancient Greeks would say – of an idea, we’re there in a dance with the idea and ourselves.
The rest of the world often looks upon us with disinterest, sometimes benign and sometimes destructive. Part of going after what we dream of is getting comfortable with the discomfort of that aloneness.
But sometimes, we just need to find allies. It is tough, often exhausting work to go after ideas that don’t already exist, nicely packaged. We can get disheartened, tired, and feel far too small to dream so big – even if the size of our dream isn’t that enormous to begin with.
In those moments, we need allies who can understand the pull of what we’re going after, even if they don’t get exactly what it is or why we need to go after it. We need a tribe, sometimes, who can assure us that it’s okay to dream. To risk. To fall in spectacular pratfalls when we lose our balance. And to laugh with us and dust off our bruises.
Finding allies can be tough. I’ve spent a lot of time looking for them, over the years, and have had some spectacular successes and equally spectacular failures.
A few truths I’ve learned along the way:
Finding Allies
Sometimes allies show up in completely unexpected places. Like poet David Whyte’s glorious line above, sometimes they are simply, quietly around us, and can give us energy if we see them and invite them in. Like the blue of the sky on a glorious spring morning, as it is on my Catskills mountainside this morning. The energy, beauty, and sense of possibility in the sky this morning, and in the response of the birds and unfurling leaves, feels like a completely tangible ally to me. I can dare to dream the impossible, because I’m surrounded by a day that has already done so. How cool is that?
The best human allies I’ve come across are, without fail, already busy in their own worlds, bringing what they’re dreaming into life. Not just talking about it. Not wrapping themselves in the trappings of the idea. But are deeply into the slogging work (and delights, too, but the work matters) of what they’re making. People who do this understand, viscerally, how much energy it takes to make something. They are not inclined to pull your energy, or ride it, or dismiss it.
Making Allies
When you find allies like that (and it can take some time to figure out how), you need to understand that you are asking them to share their rare and powerful energy with you, so you need to bring a gift as you come to them. Essentially, that gift is a piece of your own rare and powerful energy. Allies exchange gifts, they don’t simply ask for them.
Over the years, I’ve found that the best way to approach an ally is with an offer of a gift of my energy. Give first, then ask. Two things happen when you do this. First, an ally who truly has the kind of energy that will feed yours will be far more likely to be willing to share it if they feel that they aren’t simply being fed from. And second, by pulling up that generosity from your toes even when (particularly when) you feel like don’t have any left actually creates it. It is rather remarkably generative.
This can help you to find yourself as your one ally again, when you’ve lost that ability. Which can propel you forward, out of whatever deep spot of stuckness you’ve been trapped by.
May you find a great ally today. And may you give them as much as they give you.
Thoughts about allies in your life? Would love to hear about them in the comments!
I love this. Thank you.
Oh, Kenton, thank you!
Zing! Arrow to the heart of the matter! Bullseye! Beautiful piece!
I have built my life and career (such as it is) on trying to help others achieve what they want to achieve — a better job, funding for a project, a creative solution to a problem, rational management, an objective ear to listen. Sometimes, there is judgement — I am human after all — but I usually preface my interactions with a disclaimer that what I offer is just one person’s opinion. My selfish reward is seeing people I care about make progress — sometimes other rewards are offered, sometimes not — but the real reward for helping people along their path is that it helps me progress along mine, and that uplifts me. I also try and keep a distance … they are pursuing their goal, not mine … and if I end up doing the work for them, what have they learned? Sometimes I am the grain of sand that is at the heart of every pearl … seeding an idea, questioning an assumption, upsetting the status quo, in service of (maybe) making something rare and beautiful. If I find that the relationship is too one-sided, and I am not getting anything back, either intangible or tangible, in exchange for the effort I am expending, then I look for a different oyster. Core members of my network — the people I know and reach out to as a sounding board — are people with whom I have had this kind of straight-talking relationship, which is a fundamental part of how I choose my allies.
In my travels, I have also found that the world is full of terriers, tugging at my pants-leg, trying to stop me from making progress toward my goal, of which they often either don’t understand or don’t approve. My eye is on my horizon, and yet I find myself being impeded by the naysayers or obstacle-throwers, telling me all the reasons I can’t, or shouldn’t, pursue my desired path. When I encounter a terrier, I evade them as quickly as possible to avoid the distraction they represent in service of their goals, not mine.
Oh, Marc, I love this. I know you deeply understand the world of allies – you’ve been one to me, in many ways, including that remarkably perfect and silly adventure on the blue highways all those years ago. That broke something open in me. Thank you!
Amongst the allies. Feeling very appreciated to read this beautiful essay this morning and very connected to its content. Thank you for sharing. I sense that currently having the opportunity to live alone with just my 2 cats on a quiet side of Delhi Village where i can sit in the back yard such as today with blue skies and only hear the birds and slow speed of vehicles and the wind feels like a major ally. I setup that i work in the early evening so have the whole day to enjoy and perhaps take a bike ride or 2 as well as work on letting go. Almost a year ago, i walked across the main street and was headed to pay my drs fee which is conveniently across the street. I saw this unfamiliar woman who was setting her plants out in the sun on wooden railings. Since the drs. Was closed i turned to say hello and ask this woman, now a great ally named Donna what her plants or herbs were and appreciate it them. She gave me her business card and found out shes a transplant from the jersey shore and a fellow body worker. I i invited her to visit and see the plants i was learning to care for and two days later she had to head ba k to the shore so she hired me to check in on her beautiful orange cat named Solei. I felt such a strong energetic connection with this woman and so greatful that shes from a different area as i realised i could show her around this beautiful farming& art colony delaware county. I really was seeking a new friend. I had been plummeted in so many ways for spending too much energy with an alcoholic type energy and it was making me lose hope so meeting a new person that was very wise and mindful about things she tried and really checked in with herself each time and always asked questions, i believe she taught me a whole new way of “being”. And i had always wished that i had an older sibling to teach me the ropes so to speak and her was this woman who was about 20 years older but very young spirited and willing to be honest with me. It was exactly the kind of ally i needed and weve grown and taught eachother so much by having long deep conversations in person visiting on my porch or taking bike rides together. I feel greatful for the first time i feel a fairness in the energy exchange of friendship that i was seeking in a long time. We both lost one of our cats to the road, her cat named solei my cat named luna bear, and we both shared the burying and prayers for the sun and moon cats we love so much. Thank you for this platform and helping inspire others to share stories or memories ideas. This is wonderful!
Oh, Louisa, thank you so much for sharing – and for joining us! I am truly humbled by what insights and magic people are willing to share here. Thank you. A marvelous story.
Ahhh, so true, Leigh. This really is the fuel for the fire. I consider myself lucky to have found you as an ally, my fellow fomenter of wild ideas. 🙂 Much love!
Back at ya, Nikki! 🙂
Thank you for this piece …. today was a difficult day for me but at one point my uncle commented on the clear blue sky. Now I see the sky as an ally.
Oh, yay, Kariann! I find that sometimes the biggest allies are not people, but instead place and energy in the day – when I remember to see them, it can change everything, particularly when I’m having a hard day. Hope your sky is hanging with you today!
Love this post, Leigh. And II enjoyed Louisa’s comment here. The wind — yes, the wind. Lately, I’ve had a windfall of allies. I’m not exactly sure why it’s happening, but it’s a wonderful thing and I feel like I’m riding the wind on a sail. My allies lift me up and propel me (and my project) forward with a momentum that I would never have if I was trying to do it alone. It’s a vortex of positive energy that feels very tangible. Like-minded individuals (and potential allies) sense it right away. It’s real. It can’t be faked. It’s very thrilling.
Oh, I love this, Liz! “A windfall of allies.” Beautiful. And I totally agree with you about the energy, and how tangible it feels. Wonderful. Thanks for sharing!
Leigh, I love reading about the search for allies, but, in my own life I have been spectacularly unsuccessful finding human allies. Or people to network with. But- with nature I have had a tiny bit better luck. Try too hard, try too little — and all in between – no luck with people. There is a message there.
Oh, Karen, thank you for writing. I’m wondering what you feel the messages are in how hard it’s been for you to find allies? I think we all struggle with this to some degree or other – it can be really difficult to find human ones who really are deep, longterm allies. Part of how I am learning to measure this is by quality and depth vs. quantity – learning that a small number of folks who are ‘in my corner’ in various ways are really valuable. I’m also learning that I need to be aware of when I’m leaning on them because I’m afraid and wanting them to ‘fix’ something for me – it generally doesn’t work. In those moments, I find that I generally need to dig deep and find it within myself, and be my own best ally – and then I can reach out to other people again
Not at all suggesting this is something that you do – just trying to peel open my own sense of how this all comes together! Wondering what your thoughts are about why it does/doesn’t work in your world…
Thank you!
Another amazing essay topic and such a range of intimate sharings. Thank you all. I was an only child (still am!) and my ‘default mantra’ has always been “I don’t want to be the only one.”. And I’ve also come to realize that a PART of me does want to still be ‘the only one!” — that I like the independence and sole sense of satisfaction even though often complaining about going it alone. So I need to ‘balance this” and get in touch with what I REALLY want — and also to get clarity and specificity in the kind of help/allies I need. I realize too that it’s difficult for me to ask for help….something I’m trying to get a LOT better at. I definitely feel that group/Wild Idea site is an answer to my request for more ‘like minded allies’ who understand the challenges of bringing an idea to fruition. Thank you again Leigh – and all.
Leigh – I think I am on the autism spectrum and this article makes perfect sense. (I haven’t actually finished reading it — but the first paragraph said it all 🙂 . ) . I must get supper going but I think I’ll message you on Facebook later, okay?